I was the girl (although maybe not conscious of it) who felt darn good about what I had and what I’d done. Sure, it didn’t hurt to give God glory for all of it. I thought about 98% of it was Him but deep down sort of thought, “I’m so awesome… Of course I’m successful.”
Fast forward to becoming a pregnant worship leader at 29 years old…I had in a short period of time gone from a girl with an extensive resume, nice savings account, dope pad and bright future to 30 year old single mom living in a hospital or at her parent’s home with her (wonderful I might add) special needs son. There’s more to this part of the story but that’s another blog! Let’s move forward with THIS story.
Before I got pregnant I can tell you that I truly thought that my joy and all that I was came solely from the Lord. But, why when I lost so much did I feel SO bad when I actually still had Him? Suddenly a hard truth hit. Jesus was not the center of my joy. My joy was connected to the great life I believed that He’d given me. Years of singing “All I need is You Lord” was challenged when all I had was Him and I was unsatisfied.
After going through a lot of anger and a lot of questioning, what added insult to injury was sitting in the hospital praying for several children of all walks of life and watching them heal. It was great to see them heal, but here I am…God’s child…I believed. Seth was alive but not doing well. I wholeheartedly believed that “any day now” I would wake and Seth would be miraculously healed.
Here’s where things got INTERESTING. It was not until a couple days ago where the Lord showed me I was still reaching for some type of outer self esteem fulfillment. And this time I wanted to use His hand, His miracle and His power to GIVE…ME…MY…FIX.
You see I felt that because I was “so brave” and “faith filled” that God was going to fix it. He would miraculously heal my son to perfection.
What I didn’t know was that desire was fueled by the same passions the other Jessica had. I simply needed something to show off. I didn’t know it but deep down I was feeling, “well I ain’t got crap so the least you can do is give me this miracle”.
Certainly God was not going to use his miracle working powerful to fill the same void that I previously filled with stuff, dope pads and accomplishments.
Friends. What in your journey is taking TIME? What is it that is seems like God should be able to fix overnight, yet it’s still there? I’ve been there, blaming God and/or angry with God. But, maybe just MAYBE He’s more interested in you, your eternity and your heart then making a move that will put your soul right back where it was before the trial.
Look a little deeper into what He’s doing in you rather than what’s going on around you. He really is working on something BIGGER and GREATER than you could ever imagine. Patience my friend. <3
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.